Letting the wall down

So leave it to sappy tv to make me start to think about things!! Well in all honesty it's not just the tv show my roommate has now sucked me into, it is a lot of things. I have been thinking alot lately about the progression of my life in the past 5 years. I have received my education, I have a career, I figured out that yup I can live 900 miles away from home and make it, most of the time. To most that would seem like an incredible achievement and it is, I guess. But, there is some aspect of me that is the most stubborn and resistant to change. It is me, my emotional side. My heart and my head. Why is it so dang difficult to let the wall around my heart down? Why do I find it so difficult to let my heart love again? Now to clairify my heart loves, when I see someone crying or in obvious distress my heart aches for them and aches to help them. But when it comes to receiving affection from say the opposite sex it longes for it but at the same time staves it off. It fears it, because my head is telling it, it can't be real or sincere. They are only wanting something from you and that is all.

Now I know that I am not the only person to feel this way, believe me. But, it has thoroughly been ingrained into my brain that if you do not look a certain way or act a certain way, you have no shot. All of the sudden you become someones really good friend or you get referred to "just like a sister". Which for the record is not what a girl wants to hear on any level. Look I admit it I am a bigger girl, ok I do get that. But that is not all there is to me, although even as I write this, I am thinking but yeah that is. Which is not true!! At least that is what I try to tell myself everyday and somedays it sort of works and others it fails miserably. Why is it so hard to even put a crack in that wall that guards my heart? Like many others I reject myself before I have even said hello to a guy. I think oh well he's looking at that girl over there who is quite different from me, there is no way I stand a chance. Oh well add him to the list of my crushes on guys that will never go anywhere. It's not like I can't talk to guys because I can. I have always been able to, maybe that's my problem. I also figure that the guy I am looking for will never want me because of my past and so I will have to settle or I fear that a guy will be settling for me.

I was once told that in order to be happy I just need to lose weight. That if I do that all my problems will be better. Here's the thing I have lost weight in the past and it attracted the wrong type of guy and ended very, very badly. So what do I do, I pack on the weight and make myself invisible to the opposite sex. Not the smartest plan I know, but hey Einstein had to fail a few times, before he figured things out. The thing is I am tired of watching everyone else get married and have kids. At times I feel as though it will never happen for me. I know this is not a new concept believe you me I know. Somedays though it feels like it is happening for everyone around me and I get to be the good friend who is there for those going through it. And playing that role sucks on occasion.

Why is it not enough just to be me? I am funny, a bit of a smart ass at times but hey. I am intelligent, I can be sporty at somethings. Just be warned I am a clutz at times. I am sincere, loyal, compassionate, honest and have a heart that wants everyone to be happy and taken care of. That's why when I comes to me taking care of my own heart it is very difficult. I don't know how to take care of my own wants and needs. Never have, but I hope to one day learn. I just wish someone could teach me how to break this impenetrable wall down, so I can feel love and not fear it to the point where I am so uncomfortable that I become sick or extremely emotional. I can't even take a freaking compliment sometimes without tearing up. I know I have a few screws loose and they need to be tightened. I am working on it believe me.

I know I need to be happy with me and love me, and that I am also working on. It is just very hard to face. Doing it makes you look at each brick in that wall individually in order to break it. And somedays it is just impossible. It is my hope and prayer that one day soon and not 70 years later that it is weakened enough to let love in and to embrace it.