Letting the wall down

So leave it to sappy tv to make me start to think about things!! Well in all honesty it's not just the tv show my roommate has now sucked me into, it is a lot of things. I have been thinking alot lately about the progression of my life in the past 5 years. I have received my education, I have a career, I figured out that yup I can live 900 miles away from home and make it, most of the time. To most that would seem like an incredible achievement and it is, I guess. But, there is some aspect of me that is the most stubborn and resistant to change. It is me, my emotional side. My heart and my head. Why is it so dang difficult to let the wall around my heart down? Why do I find it so difficult to let my heart love again? Now to clairify my heart loves, when I see someone crying or in obvious distress my heart aches for them and aches to help them. But when it comes to receiving affection from say the opposite sex it longes for it but at the same time staves it off. It fears it, because my head is telling it, it can't be real or sincere. They are only wanting something from you and that is all.

Now I know that I am not the only person to feel this way, believe me. But, it has thoroughly been ingrained into my brain that if you do not look a certain way or act a certain way, you have no shot. All of the sudden you become someones really good friend or you get referred to "just like a sister". Which for the record is not what a girl wants to hear on any level. Look I admit it I am a bigger girl, ok I do get that. But that is not all there is to me, although even as I write this, I am thinking but yeah that is. Which is not true!! At least that is what I try to tell myself everyday and somedays it sort of works and others it fails miserably. Why is it so hard to even put a crack in that wall that guards my heart? Like many others I reject myself before I have even said hello to a guy. I think oh well he's looking at that girl over there who is quite different from me, there is no way I stand a chance. Oh well add him to the list of my crushes on guys that will never go anywhere. It's not like I can't talk to guys because I can. I have always been able to, maybe that's my problem. I also figure that the guy I am looking for will never want me because of my past and so I will have to settle or I fear that a guy will be settling for me.

I was once told that in order to be happy I just need to lose weight. That if I do that all my problems will be better. Here's the thing I have lost weight in the past and it attracted the wrong type of guy and ended very, very badly. So what do I do, I pack on the weight and make myself invisible to the opposite sex. Not the smartest plan I know, but hey Einstein had to fail a few times, before he figured things out. The thing is I am tired of watching everyone else get married and have kids. At times I feel as though it will never happen for me. I know this is not a new concept believe you me I know. Somedays though it feels like it is happening for everyone around me and I get to be the good friend who is there for those going through it. And playing that role sucks on occasion.

Why is it not enough just to be me? I am funny, a bit of a smart ass at times but hey. I am intelligent, I can be sporty at somethings. Just be warned I am a clutz at times. I am sincere, loyal, compassionate, honest and have a heart that wants everyone to be happy and taken care of. That's why when I comes to me taking care of my own heart it is very difficult. I don't know how to take care of my own wants and needs. Never have, but I hope to one day learn. I just wish someone could teach me how to break this impenetrable wall down, so I can feel love and not fear it to the point where I am so uncomfortable that I become sick or extremely emotional. I can't even take a freaking compliment sometimes without tearing up. I know I have a few screws loose and they need to be tightened. I am working on it believe me.

I know I need to be happy with me and love me, and that I am also working on. It is just very hard to face. Doing it makes you look at each brick in that wall individually in order to break it. And somedays it is just impossible. It is my hope and prayer that one day soon and not 70 years later that it is weakened enough to let love in and to embrace it.

Do we ever really grow out of high school?

This might be random thinking but remember I am spilling out what is in my head so I can go to sleep. So today while I was on Facebook, I read a post on a link about my 10 year high school reunion. It is being planned for August of this year. Which I won't be able to make, kind of bummed but at the same time, I'm not for a couple of reasons. Firstly a few months ago someone had started a post by asking if anybody had any idea of when our reunion was going to be. Of course no one had heard anything. Through many a posts it was starting to be planned by those whose responsiblity it wasn't. It was always someone and talked to so-and-so and they said they talked to this person who spoke with the person who should be incharge. Confusing I know. Then suggestions were given for when to have it. One person who was quite popular in high school gave the suggestion for August because it seemed to work best for their schedule, but worded as to make it sound like it would work for the majority of the people.

Now I know that one date will not work well for everyone, it is funny however, that this persons suggestion happens to be around the date that is now set for the reunion. Also this person is now involved in the planning, or so it seems. So this made me laugh a bit and also made me start to think. Even though we graduate from high school, do we carry the stereotype we had in high school with us? I don't think that it is merely hapenstance that the time frame this individual suggested ended up being the final date. So maybe I am reading more into this, but I don't know it just seems funny. Others who were popular but not quite as popular as this person, offered other dates and maybe they were considered, I just find it interesting.

There were definite classes of people in my high school. You had the drama group and choir group. You had the cheerleaders, you had the art kids, you had the goodie goodies. You of course had the athletic group. I refrain from using jock as it is cliche. You had the stage crew guys and the goths. Then there were those of us who didn't quite belong to any one group but had friends in the multitude of groups and could fit in with the majority of those groups. I fit best into the last. I had my small group of friends that I always ate lunch with and hung out with. So here is my second reason, I speak, on a regular basis, to about two people from high school. One of which I am still extremely close with. The rest I have lost contact with or indirectly told to stop f---ing calling or just grew apart. So why would I want to go, for the same reason everyone wants to, to see how everyone has changed. To see what everyone has done with their lives. I am pretty sure I might shock a few people with what I chose as my profession. Thanks to Facebook though, it almost makes reunions pointless. You can see for yourself in the pics posted how one has changed OR stayed the same.

So back to my question, do you carry your so called label of drama geek, jock, cheerleader, etc. with you in life after high school? I think to some degree some do. If you see yourself the way you were in high school, then you might not be able to move past it. I also think people from your past have a way of remembering you as they knew you. So do you have a chance to show what you've become, good or bad, at a reunion, with that thought in mind. You may be a mom or a dad, you maybe a doctor, a lawyer, a successfull business person, you may just be you. But, to someone from your past you may always be remembered for that awkward, geeky person you were way back when. Or you may find yourself not remembered at all. So what's the point? At this question I am at a loss. I think that there is truth to being remembered for who you once were and not who you now are.

I have a friend who seems quite sure of themselves that they know me so well. News flash I have grown up, I have changed. While some things have changed others haven't. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. It frustrates me when people assume they know you when really, they don't know you at all. So if you are debating on whether or not to go to your reunion it's up to you. For me however why go and spend a few hours with people who assume to know you, when all they know is someone from the past. Thankfully by living about 900-1000 miles away I don't have to worry. Thanks for reading I know it was long.

New to this whole blog thing

So this will be my first attempt at this thing called blogging!! It is my attempt to keep myself sane. Recently I have begun to realize that I need to take a little more time for myself and this is extremely difficult for me. If you know me at all I am one who is completely happy and content to make sure everyone around me is taken care of no matter what. However, this comes at a cost to myself. So as I attempt to figure out what makes me really happy and I want, you are welcome to follow me along. I hope that doesn't sound selfish it is just that outside of going to school for my degree, I have never really taken the time for me. The result is and I will be honest with myself, I haven't taken care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally and some what spiritually. I guess I am using this as my outlet/journaling attempt to empty out what is in my head, and be fore warned somedays there is a ton in there, to figure myself as best as I can. So I ask for patience while I step into this new world of blogging and this new thing of taking care of me. Thanks for reading.